So many reasons
by Rosirinoa
Summary: There are many reasons why this is wrong. You can't possibly have a crush with your superior in the army, besides, if it show it would be the end of my career and respect my companions have towards me. This is just something my heart should put away,


**This is my first Shingeki no Kyojin fanfic. I really like LexixPetra couple, it just seems so sweet, so I decided to write this. I'm thinking about making a sequel to this one but I'm not sure yet. Please, give me your opinions and reviews!**

And here I am again. For some unknown reason, he started to appear inside my head from time to time. Then it became more often. Now he is in most of the time inside my thoughts and In addition of that, I have to see him every day. Capitan Levi somehow managed to become an important part of my life in a way that wasn't exactly professional. The very moment I enter the kitchen to prepare something for breakfast I start thinking about him "remember to prepare his coffee just as he likes, with some sugar and using a neat mug… I wonder what he will be thinking when he drinks it…". I can't help it, and I'm doing it again in this very moment.

There was something very wrong about this. It is not supposed to happen and I should be able to control it. Then I noticed my face must be showing something of my thoughts, because the moment he entered the kitchen he asked.

-Is something wrong Petra? – his face is emotionless, as always, but showed a little concern about me, apparently.

-Good morning Capitan… everything is ok. I just didn't get enough sleep

-Coffee helps- He said as he took his mug and sat on the table next to the oven. – That is why I drink it, most of the time.

I smiled back at him and started to wonder what could keep the Capitan awake at night? He is, indeed a busy person. Being the leader of the most risky squad of the Survey Corps wasn't as easy as someone else would have thought. Breakfast passed quietly and normal. Everyone was, as usual, arguing about whom would be the one cleaning the stables. It had to be done daily and it wasn't a very nice task. Is always pretty smelly over there during the mornings and horses were grumpy when they were washed, but then I remembered that we were having the weekend off and that included the time after finishing the daily tasks.

-I'll do it. I will clean the stables.

-You will? Ok then, I will take care of the kitchen and dining room.- Erd smiled at me and started to pick up the dishes.

-Good…oh by the way, Capitan. – Oluo said seriously.

-Yes?- he gave him a glance, one of those looks that didn't express much but somehow raise respect.

-We were wondering. We will have this weekend of, and we are off-duty from this afternoon, right?

-So?

-Well, we were kind of hoping we could have some drinks tonight after dinner. If you allow us to, of course - There was a pause and everyone was expectant. Is nearly impossible to read Capitan's body language, but he seemed relaxed.

- As long as you clean the mess after that, you are allowed.

- Thanks sir!

I was happy to hear we could finally relax this afternoon and that we could spend some time off-duty. After I finished my coffee I rushed to the stables, very anxious to finish my work and get some rest, but Gunter stopped me.

- You will join us tonight, right Petra?- Gunter had that look on his face, the one he always does when he's in a good mood.

-Sure, why not. – I tried to smile and gave a glance to the Capitan.

Damn! I should stop looking at him like that. I wonder if it shows… that would be the end of me, no one is supposed to know, and none of this is supposed to happen in the first place! This break is just what I needed to put some order on my mind. I'm really determined to put an end to this "pseudo crush" I might have with Capitan Levi.

_Mental note number 1: I shouldn't look at Capitan Levi more than necessary or to check his reactions whenever I say something._

While I cleaned the stables and the horses many things passed through my mind. I am really proud of being part of the Special Operations Squad. When I was a little girl all I wanted was to protect my family from the titans. Then my friends were included too and now I see is as my reason to live. Finally something I am good at and the Capitan saw it, that's why I will always be grateful with him. I admire him so much…and THAT is the main reason why I have a big confusion about my feelings. I'm pretty sure this is a stage… a phase that won't last for long.

I was already finishing with the horses and starting to feed them when I heard some steps nearby. It was already midday and the sun was really bright, so the first thing I saw was a male silhouette and immediately recognized him as the Capitan. Just my luck.

- Petra, are you finished with the horses?

-Almost, Sir. I just need to feed them and they will be ready. – I felt my legs trembling and I had to grab from the door in order to not fall. Then all I could do was smile. A pretty and big smile, hoping he didn't notice my clumsiness. – Are you going out?

- Yes – he barely smiled with his lips but his eyes showed it more. At least he wasn't grumpy. –I need to go to town to deliver some papers. I'll be back in a little while to get my horse ok?

- Sure, just a couple of minutes.

I hurried to finish with his horse and after a few minutes it was pretty neat and ready to travel. Then I heard some steps getting closer, so I grabbed the horse's reins and walked it to the door.

-Is ready sir and he seems happy today, so I'm sure you'll be traveling fast and… oh! Hanji, I thought…

- I was the Capitan, no he's taking care of some final arrangements and send me to check if his horse was ready. – she was smiling and pet the horse

- So, is it ready? I need to leave fast. – Capitan Levi appeared right behind me.

- Sir! Yes…. It…it is ready anytime you want now. – I think I might blushed a little

- Thank you Petra, see you later… Hanji….- He rode his horse and left.

-Take care. – Then turned to find a very amused Hanji looking at me. – what's so funny?

- You are blushing!

- What? – My voice tone went up so much, I am really bad at pretending. – I mean why would I blush?

- Well, I could tell you many reasons, but I think you have some feelings for that little guy that just left.

- No way! – I looked around in case anyone was listening. – How could I? He's my superior and… - Hanji's eyes were giving me the "that's bullshit" look – does it show that much?

- Just a little. You're a sweet girl, don't worry. I don't think anyone has noticed it yet.

- I don't know what to do…

- Relax…some idea will come up, or maybe something else could happen before that. See you later! – She walked away with a victorious look and a grin.

I am pretty much doomed! If the noticed it maybe someone else too…or him! There's just too much pressure about the subject,. But that's it, I should relax, take it easy and forget about it. I just need a break from all this. Tonight I'm going to take it all out, have a good time with the guys and have a drink, or maybe a couple of them. That is exactly what I need.

_Mental note number 2: you should take a while to relax in order to let things happen and get your real thoughts –and feelings- straight._

We were having a good time. Dinner had been good, Erd was actually good to prepare food and who knows where they got a couple bottles of whisky and vodka. I suspect they brought plenty of them last time we went to town. Even Hanji was there, talking about some of her adventures during her time in the academy. I was getting so much fun with the talk and the atmosphere.

Then Capitan Levi entered the dining room. Apparently he just came back from his little trip to town; I was kind of hoping he would stay there for the night. Usually everybody would stay silent and make a formal salute, but we were off-duty, and instead the guys welcomed him joyfully. He looked a little tired but the moment he saw us his expression changed to a relaxed one.

-Come on Levi, have a drink with us, it won't kill you! – Hanji offered him a glass.

- Is there a chance you have whisky in there?

- Is your lucky day, Capitan. We have a pretty much full bottle. – Gunter poured some of it on the Capitan's glass.

- Cheers then. – He drank from his glass and it came to my mind that I hadn't seen him like that ever.

We made a little toast and kept talking about nothing in particular, and just having a good time, but I kept having this feeling of Hanji observing me and any interaction I had with my superior. The Capitan seemed to have had a rough day and we were all looking forward to this break. The feeling of camaraderie was strong in there. After all, we had passed many difficult situations together, and the very moment that crossed my mind I started to feel a great happiness inside me, like everything was possible and things were not so bad… I had a little bit too much vodka.

_Mental note number 3: after several glasses of vodka, the best thing to do talking only when necessary, articulate slow and correctly, and on top of it, avoid finding the good looks on your crush. He might look a lot better than he really is._

It was past midnight and we all decided to go sleep. Good thing Erd was in charge of the kitchen and dining room, because I wasn't sure I could keep composure for a long time. Before going to my room I stopped by the bathroom to wash my face and get my thought together. I was starting to feel like my determination went away. I was so sure about my "pseudo crush" ending, until that last glass of vodka, and besides that, Capitan's glances didn't help at all. I reckon it is embarrassing. I'm a full-time soldier, dedicated to save humanity from those titans and I wasn't supposed to be thinking about some romantic tales or daydreaming of a guy, much less my superior in rank and y boss! How did this happen?

_Mental note number 4: I was… scratch that… I am screwed._

I started to walk to my room. After all, I was just a little dizzy and nothing could go wrong, right? Well, that's a lie because I found in the hall just the one person I don't want to meet in that very moment.

-Petra?

- S…Sir!

- I trust you're going to sleep. – He approached ad looked at me, like he was looking for something on my expression.

- Yes I will.

- Good, is not so wise for a lady to go around walking by herself with drunk men nearby. Let me walk you to your room. – I wasn't able to respond. In fact I was very surprised, happy, shocked and still dizzy.

We walked slowly towards my room. It was all very quiet and only some noises of washing dishes could be heard in the distance. His face was emotionless, as always, but he turned to look at me when I was doing the same thing. There was an awkward silence until he spoke.

-You are blushing.

- What?!... Sir…. I…is just that…

- Don't worry, I know why that is.

- You do?- My heart started to rush like crazy and my hands were sweaty. He had a little smile on his lips, which was making the moment more awkward. He had a nice smile and it was a little shocking to look at him like that.

- Yes, alcohol does that to people, and I'm sure you don't drink a lot. Am I wrong? – He looked directly on my eyes after saying it. That gave me the feeling that he wasn't really talking about me getting a little drunk, but who knows.

- I suppose you're right. I'm a little bit embarrassed.

- It's ok Petra, we're off-duty and no one will know. We can keep it a secret. - It was really the first time I saw him like that. Relaxed and with more expressions on his face, but above that, his eyes were really showing emotions.

-Thanks. – I smiled at him and we arrived to my room.

- Good night. See you tomorrow. – He gave me one last look, perhaps to make sure I was ok.

- Night.

I entered my room and was seriously confused. All those reasons and excuses not to fall for Levi ran out. I had a serious crush….no, I was falling in love with him. I tried so hard no to feel this because is not right, it could be very complicated, impossible and blah blah blah… the thing was, I did not care about it anymore. Just remembering those sweet glances he gave me and how he was being protective just a moment ago, put a silly smile on my face. Even though I feel remorse for feeling like I do, I'm afraid there is no turning back now.

How could anyone feel like this for him? He is more than expressionless, arrogant, a clean freak and even rude. But he was also very kind, caring – in his way - dedicated to what he does, not to mention those beautiful eyes and the way his hair moved with the air. And there it is, I can't resist it anymore. Better accept it and deal with it. Whatever happens later, time will tell. I don't know how much longer I will live nor have the chance to be by his side, so I'm sure there's nothing bad on embracing my feelings and enjoy while I can, after all, It feels so good and makes my happy.

_Mental note number 5: the more you try to forget about your crush, the more it gets bigger and less can be done about it._


End file.
